April Fools

1 Apr

I’m not sure if this was an annual tradition at Middlebury (Midd folks, feel free to comment at the end), but on April 1st, 2009, The Middlebury Campus published a special April Fool’s Day edition, which contained nothing but spoof articles.  Of course, Jeff was very excited to write an article for this issue, and I have reprinted it below.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

 

 

Middlebury Sports Teams To Walk To Remaining Road Competitions

By Jeff Klein 

          In another indicator of how the economic downturn has affected the College, the Middlebury Athletic Department is reporting that all varsity and club spring sports teams will walk to the remainder of their regular season road competitions.

          This latest cost-cutting maneuver comes on the heels of recent cutbacks in other areas of the school, so in a sense the athletic department is merely paying its dues. However, the move comes as a surprise to many of the athletes who believe that the effort expended to walk to these games will tire them out by the time the competition actually starts.

          “We’re running around nonstop for an hour on the field, not to mention tackling, kicking, grabbing — you know, the usual” said men’s rugger Ron Rhinestone ’10. “And now they want us to walk a hundred miles just to get to the match?”

          The administration defended the decision, noting that after overlooking the decision’s most ostensible effect of cutting costs — which seems to be the way to go these days — this is just the latest in a series of efforts by the College to “go green” and reduce carbon emissions.

          “For people who believe this move is unprecedented or downright bizarre,” retorted an anonymous source from the administration, “I want to remind you this: the nordic ski team travelled to all their practices and competitions in a truck powered by vegetable oil. Think about it in this context and now doing a little extra walking doesn’t seem so strange.”

          Moreover, the administration stated that its sheer appreciation of Middlebury athletes and recognition of their superior abilities made it come to the conclusion that they simply don’t require the amenities that most other college athletes do.

          “I mean, these kids are special,” admitted another unnamed source who had a large degree of input in the decision. “I often marvel at the fact that they go to Middlebury College and still have time for sports. My only conclusion is that they’re Herculean, so to speak. If we can lean on them to help ease the College’s financial situation in these tough times, then by all means, we’re gonna do it.”

          To account for the increased time it will take to travel to games by foot, each team is preparing to depart a full 24 hours prior to its scheduled competitions. The athletic department did note it was informed by the administration that the teams will be given a small stipend for lodging if the total distance travelled exceeds 250 miles.

          “I guess that means our athletes can look on the bright side,” said assistant Director of Athletics Devin Spin. “I’ll admit, though, the bright side isn’t that bright.”

          And apparently it’s not bright enough for certain Middlebury athletes, as several Panthers have chosen to respond to this latest measure by quitting their teams.

          “My parents didn’t pay $50,000 for this,” former sweet-laxer Don Jones ’10 stated in disgust. “My prep school treated me much better.”

          Other Middlebury students are hoping that this move will help mitigate or reverse other cutbacks the College has recently announced.

          According to one student, “maybe now they’ll have the money to keep Atwater dining hall open — by far the best dining hall on campus.”             

          

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One Response to “April Fools”

  1. dolmasither April 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    haha hilarious!

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