Jeff’s Star Shines Bright On His 34th Birthday

”When you wish upon a star,

Your dreams will take you very far, yeah,

But when you wish upon a dream,

Life ain’t always what it seems, oh yeah.”

– Earth, Wind & Fire, “Shining Star”, 1975

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Desperate for solace in the early days after Jeff died, I grasped at straws. One of those straws was the notion that he had found a home in one of the stars and would shine his watchful light on his family and friends as they navigated through life’s perils, the same ones that he was not willing to face.

Now, over ten years later, I sometimes have terrible, but thankfully fleeting thoughts that while the rest of us battle a global pandemic and contend with a brutally divided country, maybe Jeff is better off up there among the stars.

When such thoughts pop into my head, I physically try to shake them free, out of both guilt and embarrassment. That line of thinking, of course, is precisely why Jeff bolted from the scene in 2010, as he was both unable and ultimately unwilling to fight against the depression that had engulfed him or to confront a future in the tough world that he feared.

Naturally, he should be here battling it out with the rest of us, and I’ve prayed for years for a do-over which could have enabled him to celebrate his 34th birthday with us today.

Strangely, had the world been constrained by pandemic-induced restrictions in 2010, that probably would have benefited Jeff when he was at his most vulnerable, as he would necessarily have been confined to his own comfortable bubble. He would have worked remotely, avoiding daily in-person contact with the types of attorneys who badgered him to come back to the office when he was at his aunt’s wake in July of that year. Maybe a situation like that back then would have given him time to regroup and come back stronger when things returned to normal.

But these are such pathetic, silly thoughts. That’s unfortunately how a grief-stricken man’s mind works, even all these years later. It’s ok- I’m firmly grounded in reality, but when my mind starts to drift, I temporarily let it go. I believe it’s all a natural part of the grieving process.

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Instead of focusing on the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve on Jeff’s birthday, l’m allowing myself today to reminisce about the beauty of what was. The times I had with Jeff were real, loving, fun, and can never be taken away. And I learned with him how to be the best dad I could be, starting at age 26, a good several years before Carey and I had planned to become parents. I’m blessed to have so many images like these in which to immerse myself at any time.

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“Shining star come into view,

To shine its watchful light on you…

You’re a shining star, no matter who you are,

Shining bright to see what you could truly be.”

– Earth, Wind & Fire, “Shining Star”

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The vaccines are here, yet the pandemic rages on while the death toll mounts. Health experts agree that we will return to some semblance of normalcy in the next year, but their estimates of the timeframe vary widely. The future remains a mist, ripe with uncertainty.

For me, though, there is one thing that has become more certain now, thanks to a wonderful act of kindness by Drew’s mother-in-law Ann Sickles. On Drew’s 30th birthday last month, Ann gave both Drew and our entire family a most thoughtful gift.

Through the global star-naming registry, she registered and named a specific star with defined coordinates “Jeffrey Klein”. Now, when I take our dog Sasha out at night before bed, Jeff’s presence is much more palpable to me. At age 34, his star truly shines bright, and it always will. This may provide only a small measure of comfort, but it’s all I’ve got, so I’ll take it.

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I was deeply disturbed to read last summer that one in four people ages 18-24 had admitted to having suicidal ideation in the month prior to the June survey. The pandemic has clearly wreaked emotional havoc around the globe.

I hope that Jeff’s birthday is a reminder to all of us that we need to be attuned to how our friends and loved ones are doing during this time. And let’s stay close to those who we know are struggling and impart to them that whether it’s by late summer / early fall like Dr. Fauci estimates, or by Christmas like the President says, this awful time will pass.

Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Shining Star” is known for being one of the most positive, hopeful and encouraging songs of the turbulent 1970’s disco era. Its message that each of us is a bright star with limitless potential is crucial for everyone to heed right now. Jeff is now a beautiful star in the sky, and I latch onto that for comfort, but dear God, his tragic decision robbed himself and all of us from seeing what he truly could have been. His misguided decision to choose a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem must not be replicated by others during this brutal but temporary pandemic.

And so I pray that Jeff’s 34th birthday today will be a day on which we both celebrate his short but beautiful life, and also do everything we can to help those who are depressed.

Brighter days are not far away.

We all need to stay strong, attend to those who need us, and get there safely together.

-Rich Klein